The word love is a noun whereas the word “to love” is a verb.  We often talk about “being in love.”  This phrase talks about being in the state of love, whereas I want to reflect today on the idea of actively engaging in the doing of love.

During my childhood, our family had the good fortune of living beside the most wonderful neighbours, the Lebans.  The Lebans were married in total for over 67 years until this world grieved the loss of an amazing, kind-hearted man.  So Mr. and Mrs. Lebans, or “Gran and Gramps” as they were more lovingly known, know a thing or two about the “doing of love.”

I distinctly remember when I was a child and Mrs. Lebans gave me, my sister and my best friend Marina (her granddaughter) advice about the secret to a long and healthy marriage.  She said: “The secret is to marry your best friend – someone you really, genuinely like.”  This is advice that I have carried with me.  And I’m happy to report that I chose to follow it and I’m married to my best friend.

Over the years I have learned that love takes work. It’s a verb – one that requires active effort, engagement and commitment.  As Mr. Rogers says: “To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, here and now.”  This means that we need to continually make an active choice to understand, support and recommit to that person even as they, and we, grow and change.

In all relationships, there are ups and downs. The space between two people can expand or contract.  As times get tough, the two paths may start to veer slightly away from one another (thanks Amy for this insight).  During these challenging times, each person has the ability to actively engage in the doing of love and to avoid choices that can shatter the trust that provide the foundation of meaningful relationships.

So love, as a verb, requires active effort, engagement and commitment.  And this active engagement in the “doing of love” requires that both parties are mutually engaged and committed to one another.  During hard times, more effort, re-engagement and re-commitment is necessary to keep the relationship going.  This active choice means that both people need to engage in the doing of love at this moment… and then at this moment… and then again at that moment in the future.

There are, of course, times when each of us may have to make choices to protect ourselves and our children.  So we may be faced with the difficult choice to stop actively engaging in the doing of love.  Even when we know that a relationship isn’t good for us, this can be heart-breaking.  And safety, of course, is always the most important consideration.

But make no mistake… this is always a choice.  

There is agency in love.  People do not passively fall in love just as they do not passively fall out of love.  Love is not something that just happens or that lasts without effort.  And because of this, who we choose to partner with in our lives makes a difference and how we choose to engage in the doing of love is important.  It matters whether we decide to put in the effort, engagement and commitment because that choice has big consequences – particularly when we bring little people into our relationships.

Each of us, who have had relationships that have ended, can pinpoint those moments in time when we let that kernel of doubt in, or started to imagine a new, better life outside of the relationship we were in.  If indeed we followed Mrs. Lebans’ advice and have chosen to partner with our best friend then we need to pay attention to those moments – to be on guard for them when they bubble to the surface.  Because if we aren’t careful, those moments of doubt can increase the space between us until it grows into a chasm so big that it can be difficult to bridge or repair.

So today, I want to urge you to think of love as a verb – to think about what it means to choose love,  to take care in the choice of who you love, and  to put in the effort, actively engage, and commit over and over again to the doing of love.  As you ride that rollercoaster of emotions that results from actively engaging in the doing of love, remember there truly is agency and choice in love. 

A big thanks to Mrs. Lebans for providing such life changing advice! 

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